Talking to the Moon

Talking to the moon

 

Tw: self harm

 

“Papatayin ba natin, o hindi?” Tanong ng isa sa mga  kasamahan namin at bahagyang tumawa.

 

I smirked, how cruel, umiling ako dahil doon.

 

“What do you think?” They asked and looked at me. Lahat sila nakatingin sa akin, na parang sa akin nakasalalay ang magiging pinal na desisyon. They know how insensitive I am with that topic, but still, I don’t want them to know that.

 

Hindi ko inalis ang ngiti na nasa mga labi ko, sa halos ilang taon ko ng ginagawa ito, nakasanayan ko na at parang natural na. Maybe you’ll get use to it when you’re doing as early as grade 7.

 

“Let’s bluff them, ipalabas na papatayin natin pero hindi pala?” Patanong iyon at suhestiyon ko lamang pero ito ang talagang nasa isip ko.

 

Dahan-dahan silang tumango, para bang tinatanggap ang suhestiyon ko.

 

“Okay, wrap up na. Will send you the revised script tomorrow, Frema. And nice suggestion by the way, that gave me an idea,” Shanna then smiled at me. Tumango lang ako at inayos na ang mga gamit.

 

Tipikal na buhay ng mga nagta-teatro, pagod akong umupo at minasahe muna ang ulo. This day is tiring, kailangan kong ngumiti, masaktan, umiyak, tumawang muli sa loob lamang ng ilang oras.

 

Everyday, it will get better.

 

“Hey, need help?” Nagmulat ako dahil sa tanong na iyon ni Eyah, isang kasamahan dito kahit noong nagsisimula pa lamang kami.

 

Umiling ako bilang sagot, at tumayo na rin para sumabay sa kanya. 

 

“Alam mo, it’s okay to be weak sometimes, and it’s okay go lean on someone,” aniya at malungkot na ngumiti.

 

I smiled to assure her it’s okay, that I’m okay.

 

“Wala ‘yun, don’t worry. Okay lang ako,” 

 

She tapped my shoulder before leaving dahil magkaiba kami ng pupuntahan. Ako sa parking, at siya sa may labas dahil may susundo sakanya.

 

Hindi muna ako dumeretso sa bahay, tiningnan ko ang side mirror at nakitang nakasunod ang body guards. My mom is still at it, kahit nahuli na ang mga may kasalanan noon. Well, it’s just two months ago? Or more, I’m not sure because I don’t want to remember.

 

Tumigil ako sa north cemetery, bumuntong hininga at nagmaneho na muli. Hindi ko pa rin pala kaya.

 

Parang may kung ano pa rin sa puso ko. Mapait akong ngumiti at binilisan ang uwi ng makapagpahinga na agad.

 

“Sweetheart, you’re home,” ani mommy at humalik sa pisngi ko, she invited me for dinner pero umiling na lang ako.

 

I’ve been skipping meals since I don’t know. I went out to my terrace, where I can clearly see the skies, and the moon peaking from the clouds. I looked up, baka sakaling mapigilan ko ang luha ko.

 

I extended my arms, trying to reach the moon and the stars, pero alam kong malabo.

 

“I want you back,” bulong ko bago nagpasyang pumasok na at matulog.

 

He told me he’ll still be around me, that I won’t miss him that much. He told me that if I miss him in a broad daylight, I should just look around, and I’ll remember.

 

I’ll remember how it feels like to have him by my side. Ang sabi niya pa, magiging hangin siya, at bibigyan niya akon g isang malamig na yakap.

 

At kung gabi ko naman siya maalala at mamiss, tumingin lang daw ako sa taas, at titingnan niya ako pabalik, he told me he will probably be in the moon, dahil doon niya talaga gustong pumunta. I laugh because of it when he told me that.

 

But now, everynight, I always look up in the sky, talking to the moon as if it’s really him, as if he’s really there watching me from above.

 

The next day, I had to rush papunta sa teatro pagkatapos ng exam dahil late na ako para sa rehearsals.

 

“I noticed pumapayat ka?” Our director told me when I told her I’m ready. I just smiled. I want to keep myself as busy as possible, I’ve been doing this for a month now since then, para naman wala na akong oras isipin siya, o para wala na akong oras na sisihin ang sarili ko dahil sa pagod.

 

She gave me the paper at kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa binago nga ang mga scenes, it’s now a kidnap incident, probably to confuse the audience.

 

Sa dami ng pwede, ito talaga?

 

“Ready? Okay, and action!” Sigaw niya kaya nagsimula na kami.

 

Wala ako sa sarili buong ginagawa ang parteng iyon ng play, I feel numb, and I am probably pale, the director must have noticed it for her to tell, “Okay. Let’s take a break.”

 

At tumingin sa akin bago tumango, I smiled at her weakly, but still trying to convince her I’m okay but she shook her head and smiled back.

 

I remember what happened back then, it was my fault, and until now I am still blaming myself. What hurts me most is that no one is blaming me, even his parents and even my parents, when it is crystal clear that it is my fault. It was my idea after all.

 

“Never do that again, bakit ka ba tumatakas sa bodyguard mo?” Hinila niya ang braso ko at halata ang galit sa tono ng kanyang boses.

 

“Hello? Ikaw din may bodyguard, so you know how it feels, parang naka-chain and all, loosen up love, ngayon lang ‘to,” I laugh to ease the tension between us.

 

Masyado siyang seryoso sa mga bagay, I don’t even know if he has the capacity to break the rules, well obviously wala, at ako ang pasaway dito. But I love him for that.

 

I love him for who he is, who he was and who he will become.

 

“Ken, di ako si barbie pero love kita,” I kissed his cheek playfully before laughing so hard because of his reaction.

 

“You’re so stiff, common, I lost both our bodyguards, nuod tayo sine,” hinila ko na siya mula sa pagkakatago.

 

Halata pa ang pagdadalawang isip sakanya at tumingin pa sa paligid, masyadong crowded ang mall na ito kaya imposibleng mapahamak kami rito.

 

“This place is crowded, chill,” I massaged his hand to calm him down.

 

He tried to get his phone, probably to make some calls pero inunahan ko na at mabilisan itong kinuha sa kanya. His jaw tightened because of my action, halatang naiirita na siya sa akin.

 

“Our life is at stake,” he seriously said.

 

I smirked and hold his cheek.

 

“Oh no baby, like I said, crowded nga dito, tsaka threat lang ‘yon,” i wink at him after saying that. Ngumiwi pa siya dahil doon, hinila ko na siya para bumili ng ticket.

 

For once, I want to be free. Lagi nalang nakasunod ang mga body guard sa amin, bawat kilos, bawat lugar na puntahan, lagi silang nandoon! My mom and dad seriously want to protect us, I understand that. But in the first place,  we’re only exposed because they already announced the merging of the company and we were the heir and heiress. So somewhat, it was their fault. I kinda blame them, but they are still my parents.

 

“Anong movie?” Tanong niya sa akin na halatang nauubusan na ng pasensya.

 

“Ikaw na pumili,” simple kong sagot.

 

Bahagya pa ring akong naiirita dahil kailangan ko pa na tumakas para lang makapanuod ng sine, samantalang noon wala namang problema kahit anong gawin ko! Hanggang sa pagpunta ko ng teatro kasama pa ang mga bodyguards.

 

I was happy that my parents were rich and we have a multi-billion company, until they announced that I will inherit it, I mean I know I will be the o e to handle it someday because I am an only child but announcing it early made me the headline of some articles for weeks.

 

Sevilla’s heiress were revealed

 

Fremalia- Heiress of the Sevilla Group of Companies

 

The long wait is over, Sevilla introduced their Heiress

 

Sevilla and Vazques Merging through Marriage of its Heir and Heiress

 

And blahblahblah.

 

I actually didn’t care about it before, I had no problem because my parents never neglect me with love and guidance, and I got the freedom that I want, I am lowkey spending my life the way I want it. Away from the spotlight, because the only spotlight that matters to me were from theatre.

 

Nareveal ang identity ko dahil doon, kaya kinailangan ko nang magkaroon ng body guard at hatid-sundo na kahit saan ako pumunta. Sumama ang loob ko, hindi pa nila hinintay na makagraduate muna ako, it’s just a year away anyway.

 

“Masama pakiramdam ko dito,” tumaas ang kilay ko dahil sa sinabi ni Ken.

 

He’s always so stiff, and since we were revealed to the public naging mas maingat siya.

 

Madalas naman ng nakakatanggap ng death threats and all ang parents ko, pero mahigpit ang seguridad nila, ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit hindi muna ako pinakilala sa lahat. They just want to protect me, kaya hindi ko alam kung para saan iyong biglaang announcement nila.

 

“Loosen up, will you?” Hinila ko na siya papasok ng sinehan, noong bumibili siya ng ticket napansin ko na kakaunti lang ang mga gustong panuorin ito dahil thriller at sabagay nakakagulat ang ibang scene kaya siguro ganon. I disregarded that idea, hindi ako nagkaroon ng chance panuorin ito noong first day of showing dahil busy sa teatro para sa mga events sa school at sa community, since it is also a community-based theatre of Manila.

 

I noticed something unusual from the girl who punch our ticket, but I disregarded the idea. She’s a bit weird but I don’t want to be judgmental.

 

Hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Ken at nakitang hindi na siya mapakali pero gusto niyang pagbigyan ang gusto ko, I smiled because of that thought. 

 

My happiness goes away in an instant, because as soon as we enter the cinema, a group of men wearing black went to us, that’s the last thing I remember before everything went black.

 

Nagising ako dahil sa ingay ng sasakyan, I tried to open my eyes but I can’t, noon ko napagtanto na may nakatakip sa mga mata ko, maging ang mga kamay ko’y nakatali, tsaka ang paa ko!

 

Hindi ako sumigaw, i won’t give them that satisfaction. Iniisip ko na lang na nasa ensayo ako ngayon para sa gaganaping show sa teatro, pinilit kong kumalma dahil naramdaman ko si Ken sa katabi ko. Atleast I am not alone, I am with him, at panatag ang loob ko basta’t nasa tabi niya ako sa kahit anong sitwasyon.

 

And this one, this is my fault.

 

Kung hindi sana matigas ang ulo ko, at kung hindi ako tumakas at nagpilit sa gusto kong mangyari, wala sana kami sa sitwasyon na ito.

 

“Hey, Frem, start na raw, hinahanap ka na sa loob.” Shanna’s voice bring me back to reality.

 

Pagkatapos ko sa teatro kailangan ko pang bumalik sa school dahil may klase pa akong isa. Ang totoo, tinanong na ako ni mommy kung gusto ko na bang ihandle ang kumpanya, pwede naman daw akong mag-open university at mga modules, pero I want to finish my degree in this university.

 

Because this is a huge part of my life with Ken. I can’t just let this go just because it is painful today, so I decided to stay and deal with the pain.

 

Paulit-ulit na routine ang ginawa ko since he left. Papasok, busy sa teatro, at uuwi ng pagod. This is the only way I know I can escape from the pain.

 

Even if he left a hole in my heart, I still love him. Sobrang mahal ko siya that I chose to continue my life.. the life he gave me. He chose me to live, he wants me to live, even without him by my side, na hindi niya yata naisip na sobrang hirap lalo na dahil halos buong buhay ko nasanay akong nasa tabi siya. 

 

I tried to color my life back, that becomes black and white since he left me. And I am still trying still pero parang wala akong mahanap na crayola, parang nakatago, parang ayaw na akong maging masayang muli.

 

“Ang init, nakajacket ka?” Mommy asked one time when I was in a hurry.

 

That made me nervous, I immediately hide my arms on my back because she stopped me by holding my wrist.

 

“S-sa school my, ang lakas ng aircon minsan.” I answered nervously, hoping she’d buy it.

 

Nakakunot ang noo niya at nagtataka, of course! May aircon din kami sa bahay and she knows how much I love cold places kaya bakit ako magjajacket?

 

Hinalikan ko ang pisngi niya at nagmamadaling umalis. My mom slowly gave me back my freedom since that incident, hinahayaan niya na rin akong magmaneho, pero ang mga body guard ang hindi niya maalis. Hindi nga lang katulad noon na laging nakasunod sa akin, ang mga ito madalas hindi ko nakikita. Also, my mom insisted to have me check or to consult a therapist which I decline, yes I am dealing with pain, but I want to deal with it alone. I want to be the one to save myself because I wasn’t able to do that, the reason why Ken is not here with me anymore. I am afraid that if I seek for help, and share them my pain, baka mawala rin sila. The reason why I decided to deal with it myself, to be strong enough for myself because I don’t want people saving me and sacrificing on my behalf, I can’t deal with the pain they will give me after leaving because they tried to save me.

 

Am I worth saving?

 

 That was the exact question I ask Ken that day. And that day, he answered me.

 

“You’re always worth saving, my love. Even if I have to spend my lifetime this short because I have to save you, I will still do it. I will save you, even if it cost me my life because that’s how much I love you, more than my life. You are my life,” That’s what he told me.

 

If I am his life and he is my life, how can I live now without my life?

 

Maybe I am just not busy right now, kaya ganito ang mga naiisip ko. Agad kong pinindot ang mga control sa kotse para matawagan si Shanna, itatanong ko kung may bagong play na ba kaming gagawin. Tapos na ang mga exam ko kaya wala na rin akong masyadong pagkakaabalahan sa school.

 

“Ha? Wala pa. Next next week pa diba?” Nagtataka pa ang boses niya dahil sa biglaan kong tawag.

 

Nagpasalamat na lang ako sakanya. May hands are shaking already. I am afraid. Natatakot ako dahil hindi ako busy, at kapag ganito ako natatakot ako sa mga posibilidad na naglalaro sa isipan ko. Natatakot ako dahil natutukso na naman akong sumunod. Inalis ko na ang jacket nang tumigil ako sa isang restaurant. Pinatong ko ang kamay ko sa lamesa at nakita ang mga guhit sa wrist ko.

 

That was my only escape before, a week after that incident. Because I wasn’t sure how I should continue my life, how I will try to live knowing he died saving me.

 

Nag-order ako ng dinner, tahimik na kumain.

 

“This is the first dinner I have after our dinner love,” I mumbled. I made up my mind. The next dinner, we’ll have it together. 

 

“Mommy, mommy I’m sorry!” Humikbi ako at sinubukan kong tumayo kahit nanghihina ako. Agad na lumapit si mommy at inalalayan ako, isang mahigpit na yakap ang iginawad niya sa akin, dahilan para mas lalo akong umiyak.

 

I was selfish. Not knowing my mom and dad will cry a lifetime because I chose to be selfish.

 

“You’re carrying Ken’s child.” Ito ang bungad niya sa akin kaya natigilan ako ng bahagya.

 

“I.. I d-din’t know mommy, I am pregnant?” lalong nag-unahan ang mga luha ko matapos sabihin iyon. Umiiling ako pero pilit akong kinakalma ni mommy.

 

Tumango siya, “Hush, you’re both safe now,” aniya at hinaplos ang tiyan ko.

 

Hindi ako makapaniwala, I put my baby’s life at risk, sobrang sama kong ina.

 

Ang huli kong naalala, nag-dinner ako, nagmaneho ng mabilis, at ang sumunod nagkalat na ang dugo, and at that point in time, I was so sure, that I want to follow him. That I want to disappear, I want this pain to end because it feels like I’m dying despite of the fact that I am still alive.

 

In fact, I don’t feel alive at all, just barely breathing. Just trying to get through everyday by being busy. Hoping, the suffering and misery would come to an end, but it didn’t. So I decided to just end it, not knowing I am carrying a life, his last gift to me before everything happened.

 

Hanggang ngayon kumikirot pa rin ang puso ko kapag naaalala ang araw na iyon, dahil ako dapat, ako dapat ‘yung wala na ngayon, pero mahal niya ako, mahal niya ako kaya handa siyang protektahan ako kahit kapalit ang buhay ko.

 

His love is strong enough to protect me from everything, but I am not strong enough to be left alone.

 

What’s the point of being alive if I’m not with him, anyway?

 

But still, I hold onto it and tried living, until I’m fed up with everything and tried to end my life.

 

Hikbi ko pa rin ang bumabalot sa loob ng silid sa hospital.

 

Now, I found a reason to live, once again.